Ouran High School Host Glub
by DM-sama
Summary: Karkat Vantas was a poor nobody who wriggled his way into the prestigious Alternian Private Academy, where blood color mattered first, and wealth second. Looking for a quiet place to study, he happens upon the Host Club, and promptly proceeds to fuck shit up.
1. Meet the Host Glub

**P0wer 0f 3 Studio presents**

**A Tripod of Argumentation Production**

**"Ouran High School Host Glub"**

**Starring**

Karkat Vantas

Eridan Ampora

Kanaya Maryam

Troll Dirk Strider

Troll Dave Strider

Nepeta Leijon

and

Equius Zahhak

**Written by DM-sama**

**Edited by stoicalKrater**

**Based on the characters by Andrew Hussie and Bisco Hatori**

**Made With Love 3**

**~*O*~**

_Kith kith fall in lovve!_

_Hey, hey, hey!_

**You will now proceed to audibly imagine the entirety of Sakura Kiss as sung by the combined efforts of both Sollux and Eridan. **

**Because fuck you. XD**

_Hey! Hey! Maybe you're my lovve!_

**~*O*~**

The afternoon bell chimed.

Light chatter filled the library as its inhabitants casually discussed the day's events. Their discarded books lay forgotten on dusty shelves. They might as well have never existed.

I couldn't believe my eyes. Wasn't the Alternian Private Academy library one of the most prestigious on this side of the quadisphere? Didn't these trolls, with their frou-frou dresses and high self esteem, realize that most of these books were the envy of troll collectors worldwide?

_Fuckasses._

Clutching my own worn algebra textbook to my chest, I quietly closed the grandiose door and sulked back into the hallway. _This place has four library rooms, for fuck's sake. You'd think one of them would be fucking quiet. _

There has to be someplace on this bohemian labyrinth of an academy that tolerated a little peace and quiet.

I wandered around the vast interior of the building, lost in thought. My footsteps echoing about its depths, there was a certain gloom to the vast corridors. No longer did I stare up at the intricate glass paneling like a slack jawed fool, but rather with a silent resignation.

A collection of shadows flew past the elaborate windows, and I solemnly turned in time to see a flock of birds soaring out of view. An image of bright red glasses flashed into my mind, and a dulled pang of grief hit me. _How are things in heaven, Mom? Can't believe it's been ten fucking years already…urgh, sorry…_

I continued my aimless wandering, hoping to stumble across a quiet corner to relax and finish my studying. I had only started attending this gritty school a few weeks ago, yet I was already convinced that rich kids only came to school to have a good time. It was bullshit to the sixty ninth degree, but so long as that underprivileged lowblood scholarship kept on funding my being here, I could tolerate it.

_Besides, it's not _that _bad. At least these bucketspewers want to ignore me as much as I them._

Snapping out of my daze, I glanced up at the sign hanging just above the academy door I had wandered in front of.

_Music Room #3_

_An abandoned music room, huh?_

Figuring it was the only place I would be able to study in peace, I listlessly twisted the door handle and peaked inside, thinking all I would see was an old room filled with ghostly furniture and dust bunnies. Instead, a handful of rose petals floated towards me in greeting, accompanied by the gentle sway of a wind chime. And then, just when I became convinced of my insanity, a collection of melodious voices welcomed me into the room.

_When I opened the door, I found…six of the biggest douche bags you ever fucking saw._

**Episode 1**

_**~*Starting Today, You Are A Host!*~**_

—

_Only those wwith excellent social standin' an those from filthy fich families are lucky enough to spend their time here at the elite privvate school, Alternian Academy. The Alternian Host Glub is wwhere the school's handsomest buoys wwith too much time on their hands entertain young gills wwho also havve wway too much time on their hands. Just think of it as Alternian academy's elegant playground for the sopor fich an buoytiful. _

—

I couldn't believe my eyes. I readjusted my glasses. I couldn't believe my ears. I slapped my cheek repeatedly. This had to be a dream. Somewhere between the hallway and the music room, my senses must have gotten fucked up to the point of delusions.

The trolls regarded me curiously from their place in the center of the (_not abandoned_) music room. They each possessed a face of esteemed elegance, eyes gleaming with their superior blood. My eyes trailed over each of the people inhabiting the room, myself locked in a stupefied numbness.

My heart was jumping painfully up into my throat as stark realization sunk in. "T—this is the Host Club?" I backed into the door fearfully, my hand flailing around as it struggled to find the knob. _Oh shit oh shit oh fuck oh shit…_

"Oh, wow, it's a candy corn," a familiar pair of voices chorused listlessly.

A green blooded troll dressed in a stylish suit critically observed me. I suddenly became exceptionally self-conscious of my grubby brown sweater and tousled hair, but she could have seemed less interested. "Dirk, Dave, I believe this young man is in the same class as you, isn't he?"

I suddenly recognized the Strider twins from my biology class. How could I not? I took my time to try and avoid them, mostly because their identical expressions of secret pleasure freaked me out. Only their shaded glasses and hairstyles signaled them apart. _Those assholes are in this dumb club too? _

The brothers shrugged. The one I thought was Dirk mumbled, "Yeah, but he's shy."

"He doesn't act very sociably," continued Dave,

"So we don't know much about him," they finished in perfect sync.

Identical expressions of boredom crossed their faces. The green blooded female, however, smirked knowingly.

A light bulb flickered somewhere in the distance.

"Well, that certainly wasn't polite, boys," she mumbled. The twins shrugged, seeming completely disinterested in the subject. Turning to the frantic commoner, the green blood continued courteously, "Welcome to the Alternian Host Club," Her smirk grew more pronounced, "Mr. Candy Corn."

"WWhat?" The sea dweller had risen from his seat in excitement, his outlandish cape rippling a from the abrupt shift. "You must be Karkat VVantas!" the seadweller continued, eyes wide with wonderment. "You're that exchange student ww'vve heard a boat."

Having long since waged war on, and horrifically beaten by, the door knob (_the thing must be fucking broken!_); I paused when I heard my name. Tentatively, I peaked over my shoulder, dread curling my stomach. "How do you know who I am?"

"Why, you're infamous," the stylish female stated matter-of-factly, as if though I should know that. "It's not too often that a low blood manages to wiggle their way into _our_ academy, you know."

_Low blood?_

"You must have _audacious_ nerve to be able to fight your way into this school, exchange program or otherwise, Mr. Vantas."

_Audacious?! _

The derogatory words skulked through my mind, packing a mean punch to my self-esteem. I couldn't even tell if they were condescending or complimentary. Probably both.

"I suppose I should say thank you," I grumbled, my frustrations quickly mounting. I resorted to biting my cheek, knowing that even one foul word spoken to any of these highblooded pricks would instantly land me back at my old hellish nightmare of an institution before I could say _oh fuck_.

"You're wwelcome!" I felt a hand clasp my shoulder. The sea dweller noble had suddenly appeared at my side, glowing with delight. His finny ears were quivering. _Is this guy for real? _"WWhy, you're a_ hero_ to the common blood, Mr. VVantas!" He went on in a grand voice, seeming unaffected by my murderous intent. "After all, you havve showwn the wworld that evven a lowwblood can ex-shell at our elite pirvvate acodemy!"

_This has to be a prank…please, dear sweet Hussie, tell me this is a joke._

I shuffled away, but the Host would have none of it, following blithely after me. His cape rippled charismatically behind him. "It must be hard for you to be codstantly looked dowwn upon by others—"

"I think you're taking this _low blood _thing too far, you weird fuck—"

"Culled, _neglected_, but that doesn't matter noww that you're wwith _us_!"

Finally catching up to me, he placed a firm hand on my shoulder once more and pulled me close. Seeming to radiate with glee, he offered me a gracious bow. "WWe wwelcome you, candy corn, to our wworld of _magic_!"

He held his arms out to me, as if he was introducing me to a whole new reality filled with cupcakes and slime pies. For a moment I could almost see what he was talking about, though it must have been the rose petals talking. I skulked resolutely towards the door, my bullshit meter reaching an all time high. "I'm leaving, you dumbasses."

"_Heeey!_"

A new set of small hands suddenly grabbed my arm and yanked me back into the room. I almost tripped over my feet in shock and gawked at the newcomer, a tiny little cat girl that was grinning joyfully at me. Her dulled green eyes were sparkling blissfully, her face flushed with admiration.

"AC gazes in wonder at the supurrhero befur her, thinking that this Karkitty must be pawsitively delightful!"

I coolly regarded her smiling face. "I'm not a fucking hero; I'm just a lowblood blood." A sudden thought struck me. "_AND WHO ARE YOU CALLING KARKITTY?!" _

The poor girl fled to the other end of the room in terror. I myself had to pause to take a quick breath, my abrupt outburst leaving me winded. Suddenly the obnoxious sea dweller slid into my view, seeming contemplative. "Hmm, nevver wwould havve thought the famous candy corn swwung that wway. To beach troll his owwn, I guess."

My mind went blank. "I…_what_?"

Seeming to reach a decision, he snapped his fingers determinedly. "So, tell me, wwhat kinds of troll are you into, candy corn?" He appeared at my side and clasped a firm hand on my shoulder. "Do you like the strong, silent type?" He gestured towards the bulkiest Host that has yet to speak. "The Lolita?" The cat girl regarded me with weepy eyes. "Howw about the mischievvous type?" The Strider twins bumped shoulders, their smirks evident. "Or the _cool _type?" The stylish female was smirking.

My mind was a whirlwind of confusion and disorientation, and I stumbled blindly away from the people I was convinced had gone insane. I stuttered incoherent babble, trying to make them see it wasn't like that, that I had just been trying to find a quiet place to study. It didn't work. Instead, a new glint appeared in the sea dweller's luscious, violet eyes, one that sent a shiver down my back. "Or _maybe_…?"

A hand suddenly appeared on my cheek. My face was flushing with color as he leaned in close enough for me to feel the warmth of his breath. "You're into a guy like me?" His smile revealed a row of blindingly white teeth. "Howw say you?"

My breath was caught somewhere in my throat. The room swam before my eyes, and before I knew it I was falling backwards into oblivion. My elbow knocked into something hard, and my heart abruptly stopped beating.

I tried to turn around fast enough. I tried to reach out and catch it. But by the time I did any of those things, the beautiful, oriental bowl had already crashed onto the tiled floor, bits and pieces of smashed gemstones marking its grave. My stomach rolled in nausea, my face paling with horror as I slowly realized what had just happened.

Someone groaned. The twins appeared in my peripheral vision. "We were going to feature that Befurian bowl at the upcoming school auction," moaned Dirk.

"_Now _you've done it, candy corn, the bidding on that vase was supposed to start at eight million boonbonds!"

"WHAT?!"

Nothing compared to the sheer terror that flooded through me. I slumped over, trying to calculate the raw numbers in my mind, unable to even compute that much money. _How many boon dollars is that? How many dollars is even in a bond?! FUCK! _

I couldn't feel my legs.

"I…um, I'm going to have to pay you back," I mumbled weakly.

"With what money?" The Strider twins looked amused, completely uninterested in the priceless bowl that I had smashed into oblivion.

"You can't even afford proper prescription glasses," smirked Dave, or maybe it was Dirk.

"What's with those, anyway? They make your horns look even nubbier."

I wanted to smack myself for even making the suggestion. Of course I couldn't pay back that much money! I would have to work the grave yard shift for four hundred and twenty years, _AT LEAST_, to cultivate that much dough.

_If I can't pay them back with cold hard cash, then that means…_

Kanaya coolly inspected a broken bit of the vase in her hands, her grin still evident. "Well, what do you think we should do, Eridan?"

A new sinking horror filled me. The sea dweller almost appeared to be one step ahead of me. He took a seat, and snapped his legs together, glaring at me over the rim of his glasses.

"There's a famous sayin' you might havve heard, VVantas," Eridan declared impressively, his entire demeanor changed to that of a Supreme Court official. He threw his whole arm up, aiming directly for my heart. "WWhen on Prospit, do as the Prospitarians do."

The sea dweller's sudden change in attitude had left me completely blindsided. Some distant part of me was screaming for me to return to reality, but I was just so caught up in the role I had been assigned, it was all I had to remember how to breathe.

"Since you havve no money, you can pay wwith your body."

The sinking feeling got worse. I waited in cold anticipation for the final verdict. He finally gazed at me, his pure, violet eyes glinting with steely delight.

"Startin' today, you can be the Host Glub's personal guppy fish."

_-"HOST"_

_-"GLUB'S"_

_-"GUPPY FISH"_

I almost felt the words be stitched onto my forehead, and I sunk deeper into a new type of despair. The despair of abstract humiliation.

_What just happened?_

_I'll tell you what happened, you dumb shit! _

_You've just been captured by a bunch of trolls that are calling themselves a host club!_

The depths of my hopelessness were so deep that when the crazy cat girl curiously poked my arm I sunk to the floor like a wistful dandelion and gratefully fell into stupor.

**~*O*~**

**Don't. Ask. **

**Even I don't know anymore. -_-**

**Oooooh, but was this fun to write! **


	2. Woes of a Guppy Fish

**BACK AND READY FOR ASS-KICKING! WHO'S NEXT? :D**

**A/N: Hey everybody! Sorry I was gone for so long! I'll tell you about it later, but for now, I'm think going to do a little experiment. For this chapter, I'm going to refrain from using Eridan's typing quirk and have you guys decide which version you like best. If you think I should continue to use the quirk, I'll go back to using it. Sound good? ^^**

**I regret nothing~!**

**~*O*~**

_The Host Club is now open for business!_

**~*O*~**

"Tell me, what's your favorite color?"

"The deepest of greens, my dear, like the color of your eyes."

"What kind of music do you like?"

"Any and all that remind me of you, darling."

"Oh, Eridan, I baked you a key lime pie last night. Would you, perhaps, like to try it?"

Beaming magnificently, Eridan Ampora, Second Year Student and the Host Club Emperor, drew the love struck troll close, his eyes shimmering with adoration. "Only if you feed it to me, sweetness."

The poor girl flushed brilliantly and retreated to her little world of fantasy with naught but a small giggle. He smiled lovingly back, when he was suddenly distracted by the clatter of a teacup being placed in its saucer.

"Might I have a word with you, Eridan?"

He turned, leaving the flustered green blood to her blissful wriggling. His gorgeous smile was automatic. "What can I do for you, Ath?"

A stern faced young lady with cold purple eyes tightened her lips in a cool, white smile. "I've heard that the Host Club just adopted a little grub without a perigee. Is this true?"

Eridan's beaming smile faltered a bit. "Well, I wouldn't call him that." He was distracted once again at the sight of the slumped over figure that lumbered through the door. His smile returned full force. "Speak of the horrorterror."

I glared at him, willing all of my anger to manifest and eat his face. A few of the girls whispered to each other, giggling under their breath. They stared openly at me, their smirks unkind and callous. I did my best to ignore them, as I did every time I heard the words _low blood _and _poor as shit._

"Thanks for doing the shoppin', sushi roll," he continued, oblivious to my less than uplifting thoughts. He winked. "You get everyfin on the list?"

_I hope your entire family is molested by sea urchins. Ugly, fat sea urchins. What are you smirking at? Don't smirk at me, you fuckass. _

I, being Karkat Vantas, First Year Student, and the newly appointed Host Club Guppy Fish, felt my glare become even more pronounced. "Sushi roll?"

He beckoned forth. "Whale, come on, then, let's sea what you've got."

I sullenly walked to the lofty chair and handed him the contents of the bag, a tub of mushy powder I had bought without thinking. I placed it in his waiting hand, where he gazed at it with the upmost confusion.

"Wait, what is this?"

I blinked. "It's ichorous."

My answer wasn't good enough. If anything his expression grew even more perplexed under those glasses. "I've never seen this brand before. Is this the kind that's already stirred?"

"What do you mean? It's just immediate ichorous."

_I thought he was insane, not a fucking moron._

Apparently, the fishy prince wasn't the only one who was lost. The girls who had earlier been whispering amongst themselves stared openly at me, their eyes glazed with bafflement. "It's immediate?" a blue blood stated inquisitively, her head tilted. "Like, _poof_, it's there?"

I shot her a fierce look, willing my anger to rise up and kill us all. Eridan abruptly gasped in amazement, clutching the tub with renewed vigor. "I've heard a this before, this is low blood ichorous, you just add some solution an stir it up a bit!"

A few more perplexed trolls crowded the area surrounding our little couch. They all held their hands close to their chest, as if they were afraid to touch it. "I don't think I've ever heard of such a thing," mumbled a tiny little indigo blood.

The blue blood from earlier glared at me accusingly. "So it's true that low bloods don't have enough time to even stir up their own ichorous!"

The entire group nodded in agreement.

A horde of trolls swarmed around and behind me. "Low bloods are pretty smart," Kanaya murmured coolly, glancing over my shoulder.

"100 grams for 300 boon dollars?" continued Dirk, eyebrows lilting up his forehead.

Dave made a small sound of surprise in the back of his throat."That's a lot less than we normally pay."

At that point, I was sure they were all making fun of me. Color rose in my cheeks. "I'll go back and get something else, jeez," I growled snappily. I couldn't believe they'd stoop so low as to bully me based on the type of beverage I bought. _High blooded pricks, don't even know about immediate ichorous…_

Eridan suddenly held up a waiting hand. "No… No, I think I'll keep it."

His words were met with a gasp. The prince rose to his feet gracefully, his cape rising majestically with him. "I'm goin' to give it a try."

The gasps grew more pronounced. Dirk clapped a hand over his mouth and Dave visibly whitened.

He held the tub over his head. "I WILL _DRINK THIS ICHOROUS!_"

The entire room burst into applause, their faces shining with admiration. Clearly Ampora was an expert spellcaster, blinding people with his grace. I was almost impressed, but then I suddenly remembered I hated his violet blooded guts. The only one who seemed unaffected by the antics was a placid purple blooded girl whom was calmly sipping her tea.

I sucked on my teeth irately as everyone flocked to the other end of the room. Eridan shot me a meaningful look. "Well, come on, Vantas, make us some a this lowblood stuff."

He looked away before I could hit him with the full force of my glare. _All of my hate, Ampora. All of it._

I was about to follow suite and continue performing whatever servile task the emperor wished of me, when I was stopped by a whispery voice.

"Oh, Eridan, now you're just taking the joke too far."

The lingering purple blooded troll placed her teacup on the counter, her smile vacant.

"You won't even be able to stomach that swill. You don't have to drink it just because he bought it for you."

I had thought that the girl was just mumbling to herself, that I was rudely eavesdropping on her, but when she inclined her head towards me, I got the feeling she knew I had listened, made sure I was listening.

"I'm sorry," she said apologetically. "I was just talking to myself. Silly me."

She stood and left. I stared at the seat she vacated, dumbstruck. What had that been about? Did she have something against low blood merchandise? Before I could wonder too much of the girls antics, an obnoxious voice suddenly called, "Karkitty, we're waiting."

"I'm coming," I grumbled through gritted teeth.

**~*O*~**

_DEMONSTRATION OF LOW BLOODED HOT BEVERAGE, BY A LOW BLOOD_

**~*O*~**

I resisted saying anything as I poured the damnable drink. It took all of my willpower, really. The crowd of swooning trolls stared in rapture, and gasped when, after I poured some solution, the milky substance suddenly materialized into thick, brown mush. I placed the four cups on a tray and held them out.

"Here," I murmured, my mood growing fouler.

Eridan gazed at me approvingly, seeming to glow with that never ending zeal.

"Let the tastin' begin!" he announced.

Four of the (apparently) braver trolls tenderly took a cup, but didn't take a drink. Indeed, all of their faces mirrored the same expression of dislike and apprehension.

"I'm a bit scared to drink this stuff," murmured one.

"I'm afraid if I do drink it my lusus will yell at me," said another, looking distinctly unhappy.

In one swift move, Eridan suddenly disappeared from my side, and reappeared next to the girl who had spoken, eyes glimmering.

"What if I let you drink it from my mouth?" he whispered seductively.

"W—well then I would drink it."

The girl looked like she was having a stroke and the entire room erupted into pitching shrieks and squeals, all of them somehow managing to look exceptionally jealous and dreamy at the same time. I cringed and forcibly bit my cheek, reminding myself it was only a short walk back to my old hellhole of an institution.

"This is ridiculous," I murmured.

At the other end of the room, where at least some sanity resided, the Strider twins were sitting casually at a table they shared with two other baby faced trolls. The one I painstakingly recognized as Dirk was laughing merrily, while his brother appeared distinctly uncomfortable.

"…and so I tugged at his horn and he bolted right out of his recuperacoon," said Dirk, not seeming to notice his brother's pronouncing pout.

"Come on, Dirk, don't tell them that story," Dave whimpered. "I asked you not to tell anyone that story." He crumbled in his seat, his voice thick with unshed tears hidden behind the dark shade of his glasses. "Why are you so terrible to me?"

A flicker of genuine remorse crossed Dirk's handsome face. "I'm sorry, Dave."

Suddenly, the girls grew very quiet and still, their eyes wide with anticipation. Dirk reached over the table and claimed the boy's chin. Dirk and Dave Strider, First Year Students, were suddenly glued together in loving embrace.

"I didn't mean to upset you," continued Dirk. "But…you were just so adorable when it happened, I had to tell them." His sultry voice was thick with gut wrenching shame. "I'm sorry."

"I—I forgive you," whispered Dave, his voice quavering.

There was immediate uproar on the other side of the table. The customers were shrieking inanely about the 'very close' Strider twins.

"_I've never seen brotherly love quite like that!"_

_What are they so excited about? _I thought as I passed by with my empty teacup tray. Incestuous relationships were highly frowned upon from my side of the Hemospectrum. It was hardly arousing. Hell, it's fucking disgusting! _I just don't get it._

In my peripheral vision, however, I could see the twins mirroring smirks as they held their position and the girls continued shrieking their heads off. My disgust slightly diminished.

Two newcomers entered the room, one piggybacking the other, whom was sleepily rubbing her eyes. "Sorry, everypawdy, we're running a bit late."

A few of the trolls smiled in warm welcome. "Hello Nep! Hey Eq!"

"We've been waiting here for you two, hi!"

"I'm sorry," mumbled the sleepy cat girl, her eyes cloudy. The exceptionally muscular Equius Zahhak (Eq for short), Third Year Student, gently settled down his charge. "I was waiting fur Equius to finish up his musclebeast meeting and I fur-ell asleep."

Nepeta Leijon (Nep for short), Third Year Student, rubbed her eyes and yawned, exposing her slightly pointed canine teeth. Her eyes were watery. "And…and I'm still not completely awake."

The trolls couldn't contain themselves. Once the cat girl fixed them with her sleepy gaze, they burst into delighted giggles. "_Sooo cuuute!_"

I watched the despicable exchange from afar, my disbelief palpable. _Is that girl really a third year student? She's even smaller than I am!_

"Nepeta may seem small and helpless, Vantas, but she's a prodigy among prodigies."

I jumped in surprise at the sudden arrival of the green blooded female troll. Her grin was all-knowing, and for some inexplicable reason I was sure that she could see into my mind. _Fucking creeper rainbow drinker..._

Her smirk grew more pronounced as she continued over the ramble of the squealing girls. "And Equius' allure is his strong and proud disposition. You'll be hard pressed to find anyone with more respect for the Hemospectrum than him."

"Uhh…"

Before I could point out that the guy was a sweaty creep that glared at me through his broken glasses (_and when was the last time the guy visited a dentist?)_, a furry shape abruptly charged me, screaming—

"_KAAAARKITTY!"_

Nepeta latched onto my arm and spun me around on the balls of my feet. I yelped in surprise and pain.

"Hey, Karkitty!" she babbled excitingly, her earlier drowsiness apparently gone. "Do you maybe want to go drink some milk with me?"

The room swam before me. I swayed dizzily side to side, struggling to keep upright. The girl's grip was surprisingly strong. "Uhh…I, uh…don't really agree with milk…"

"Then how would mew like to hold my puppet, Lil Cal-chan?" she plowed on, undeterred by my less than cheery attitude.

My face slowly turned a sickly green. I was suddenly very glad I only had a meager cheese sandwich for lunch that day. "I'm…not...really into puppets all that much…"

Nepeta's smile waned slightly, and she held up her bedraggled doll. It was smudged and stained and had obviously been burdened with a copious amount of love. "A—are mew tailing me you don't like Lil Cal?"

Swiftly smothering my rising nausea I suddenly took note of the puppet's vacant gaze. Its eyes were clear and disturbingly empty. I drew a bit closer, mesmerized by the twin, crystal orbs that seemed to be staring straight through me. For some reason I couldn't place, I felt my mind go a little bit blank.

"I—I guess he is kinda cute, huh?" I murmured soporifically, lowering my glasses to get a closer look.

_Why do I feel like I should gorge out my eyes and saw my leg off?_

Nepeta, whose face went a bit slack, slowly lowered the doll, and breathed softly.

_Karkitty…you're a…_

A second light bulb turned on.

Before I had time to react, Nepeta tossed me the doll and dashed back towards her party of waiting trolls. "Take good care of him, kaaay!"

The connection severed, I was very confused as to why I was standing in a dining room holding a poorly stitched together doll. _What just happened?_

"You'll notice that our club utilizes each troll's characteristics to cater to the whims of our guests," Kanaya continued, unaware of my vacant, dumbstruck expression. She fixed me a cool look, snapping me out of my reverie. "Just so you know, low blood, Eridan is the very best around here. The emperor, if you will."

I was abruptly aware of Ampora sitting just a few feet off, smiling complacently as he continued to cast his dazzling spells. He seemed to sense my staring, as over the shoulder of another girl, he suddenly winked.

"What's this world coming to?" I mumbled, struggling to hide my coloring cheeks.

Kanaya Maryam, Second Year Student and Vice President of the Host Club, hardly seemed to notice my discomfort. "In order for you to pay off your 8 million boonbond debt to us you will act like the Host Club's guppy fish until you graduate. Oh, I'm sorry—"she shot me an annoyingly superior glare and smiled with thinly veiled politeness—"I mean our errand troll."

My face went slack with shock, but Kanaya went on mercilessly, "You can try to escape if you want to, Mr. Vantas, but just so you know, my family employs a private threshecutioner force of over 1,000 fully trained men."

I was beset with the image of hundreds and hundreds of exceptionally disciplined trolls standing in line, just waiting for the command to come and off me. _Oh my god…_

Kanaya coolly readjusted the pin on her coat. "By the way, do you have an passport?" she added casually. _Meaning you won't be able to leave Alternia_, I finished mentally. I thickly swallowed, a bout of nerves causing me to become rigid with abrupt fear.

Eridan appeared next to me, having abandoned entertaining his ladies in favor of torturing me. "You're goin' to have to work harder than that if you wanna pay off that debt," he affirmed, adding in a whisper, "_my little kitty cat._" And he blew into my ear.

I gasped and jumped away in shock, breathing heavily. _God damn it, Vantas, don't let this guy get to you, too!_

"Please don't do that," I mumbled, rubbing the tingling area on my neck where his mouth had been, my face three shades redder than normal.

An infuriating smirked graced the sea dweller's lips. His eyes slowly lilted up and down the length of my body, lingering somewhere around my mouth. "You need a serious makeover, Vantas, or no troll is going to look twice at you."

I was growing distinctly uncomfortable underneath that violet gaze. "Yeah, well, I'm not trying to get anybody to look at me," I grumbled. _Especially not any of you high blooded nooksuckers, either_, I added under my breath, happy when he tore his gaze away from my lower body.

Thankfully Ampora hadn't heard me, and went on obliviously, "Are you kidding me? That's the most important thing, you silly goose!" He summoned a pristine violet rose from nowhere and held it at arm's length, smiling stunningly. "You need to learn how to act like a gentletroll an please the ladies." His smile grew luminous. "Like me."

"I just don't think it's really important."

Eridan paused, his eyes wide. I got the feeling like I should just keep my mouth shut and shuffle along, but for some reason his expression embolden me to continue, to speak my mind. "I mean, why should someone like me give a fuck about appearances or labels, you know? All that really matters is what's on the inside, right?"

Even as I said it, I felt increasingly stupid. _Uuuugh, way to sound like a fucking sap, Vantas_. _Dad always had been better at preaching that crap. You'd think I'd learn something by now._ It had sounded a lot better in my head, though. Desperate to change the subject, I continued, "I don't understand why you even have a Host Glub—Club in the first place."

_I did not just make a fish pun. That didn't just happen._

My face was still burning by the time Eridan preached, "It's a cruel reality, isn't it? After all, it's not too often that the Mother Grub herself brews such a wonderful person as _sea, _both buoy-tiful on the inside _and _out."

Standing next to him, hearing him say what he did, I suddenly felt a lot less stupid. "Say what?"

"I understand how you must feel, Vantas, being as low on the Hemospectrum as you are; you have no idea to the true joys that life has to offer." He pulled a face of seemingly genuine remorse. "But you must console yourself, kitty kat, else how could you go on living? Think of it like this," he held up his hands grandly, "Why do you think they hang up art in a museum?"

"Uhhh…"

"Because beauty should be shared with the world! And those _born _beautiful should—"

_There's a word to describe people like him._

I rested my knuckle on my upper lip, withdrawing into deep contemplation. Eridan went on, oblivious to my oblivion.

"—do you think I started up the Host Glub in the first place? I did it for those who are starving for—"

_Hmm_, I mulled, closing my eyes. _What is it?_

"—fighting day an night, _pursuing _beauty! An although you might be—"

I furrowed my brow, retreating deeper in thought. _I wish I could remember that wword—word. Aaaargh_.

"—have chosen to share my expertise with you. Here's a tip! When setting down a glass of any sort, extend your pinky as a cushion, that way you don't make any noise! Gentleman do that when they—"

_Ummm. Maaaaaaaaybe…a kick in the bulge? Oh, fuck no, that's not it…_

"—much more refined than that—"

_There's one word, I fucking know it. One word that fits him perfectly…_

"—and above all else, Vantas, you must remember—" Eridan abruptly appeared at my side, gazing at me with passionate tenderness. "—how effective a glance to the side can be."

Through a burst of blinding enlightenment, I pounded my fist in my palm. "I've got it!"

Eridan's smirk widened, clearly thinking he had the low blood under his spell. "Oh? Did I startle you, perhaps—?"

"A fucking_ douche bag!"_

Ampora's heart halted, and his face abruptly paled. My eyes went wide with surprise. The sea dweller retreated to a quiet corner at the other end of the room, devoid of color and radiating utter despair.

"I—um, I'm sorry, Ampora," I mumbled.

The Strider twins, who happened to be strolling nearby, chortled gleefully and affectionately patted my head. "Oh, you're a hero all right," they said, their expressions mirroring malicious glee.

I bit my tongue, figuring I had already used up all of my cursing cards for the day. _But he really is a kick in the bulge,_ I thought unhappily.

Trying to undo the damage I had wrecked, I humbly sighed, "Sorry, Eridan. But I guess your lesson _did _strike a small chord in me, if that's any consolation."

A few beats passed before Eridan slowly rose to his feet. A small spike of fear shot through me, wondering just how much I had offended him, and if whether he would be vying to return the favor (but with something sharper, like knives)._  
_

Before I had too long to quiver in my secondhand shoes, however, the sea dweller turned donning the most dignified, insufferable expression I've ever seen.

"_Really, _it did? Let me teach you some more, my darling!"

He held out his hand to me in friendship, radiating happiness.

"Well, he sure got over that quick." I rubbed the back of my neck sheepishly. Lil Cal gently bumped my knees.

"Um, boss?" murmured Dave.

"Call me _emperor!_" announced Eridan whimsically.

"You can teach him all the basics of Hosting," continued Dirk. "But the dude's not going to get very far with the lady trolls if he doesn't look the part, you know?"

Dave trailed over and stood in front of me, evaluating me with unseen blue eyes. Before I could guess his intentions, he was suddenly reaching for my glasses. "He's not exactly Host Club material, but—" he slowly slid the glasses off the bridge of my nose "—maybe if we took of his glasses it would help?"

Without the protective covering of my glasses, pain immediately singed my eyes. I yelped and squeezed them shut. "_Hey_, I _need _those, you fucking idiot!"

The room suddenly grew very quiet. I rubbed my watering eyes, reaching blindly for my stolen glasses. "My eyes are sensitive, you nooksuckers, I can't leave my respiteblock without getting fucking blinded. Give them back!"

I heard a loud shuffling sound followed by two identical grunts that were pushed to the side. I recognized the telltale rippling noise of Eridan's cape. I was beset with the uncomfortable feeling that all eyes were on me, even though my pain riddled eyes prevented me from knowing for sure. There was a thick silence, before Ampora suddenly snapped his fingers.

"Dirk, Dave."

"Got it!"

A pair of eager hands grasped my wrists in a steel grip. My heart skipped a beat. Like Nepeta before them, the Strider twins proved stronger than they appeared. They effortlessly lifted me off my feet, and even though I was already screaming my head off, they swiftly dragged me out of the room.

The high bloods were less than perturbed by the flagrant kidnapping. Kanaya had already pulled out her cell phone by the time Eridan declared, "Kan! Get my hair stylist! Eq, go to the ocular physician an get him some focusing glass." Without any acknowledgment of hearing him, the muscular blue blood ran out of the door where the kidnapped guppy fish had vanished.

Nepeta was bouncing off the walls in expectant joy. "AC stands in wait, excitingly wondering what Ampurra has in store for her!"

"Nepeta!"

Her eyes widened with delight. "Yessir!"

Eridan paused, thoughtfully chewing on his bottom lip.

"Go...! ...drink some milk."

Nepeta retreated silently to the same corner of despair as the other high bloods animatedly scurried around the room. "Looks like it's just you and me, Cal," she mumbled, unhappily regarding her vacant gazed puppet. She took an angry slurp of her milk. "Efurry else said they were mew _busy_."

Meanwhile, in another room a few blocks away, Dave and Dirk Strider had corralled me into a dressing room, and slid the curtain close. My eyes were wide with fear.

"Here, change into this uniform!" they ordered, pulling out a mysteriously acquired gray Alternian vest.

"What?" I yelped. "But _why_?!"

"_Don't ask questions_!"

They pounced, chasing me around the tiny dressing room, shouting, "_CHANGE, CHANGE, CHANGE, CHANGE—" _until finally I snatched the uniform out of their polished claws.

"OKAY, _FINE,"_ I screeched._ "_BUT YOU TWO NEED TO _GET THE FUCK OUT!"_

I was their errand boy, after all, not their personal stripper.

My eyes still watering, I kicked them out of the small room. They stumbled and vanished beyond the curtain. I irately rubbed my temple, wondering if it was even possible for this day to get any worse.

Out of my line of sight, however, after they eventually caught themselves from my brutal ass kicking, the brothers exchanged a small, astounded look.

_Wait a minute..._

_Dirk, did you see...?_

_Yeah._

A moment passed. Two identical light bulbs chirped, shining brightly.

Trying to conceal their sudden smirks, the brothers stuffed their hands into their pockets and sauntered out of the room.

**~*O*~**

**Teehee! I think that's a nice stopping point right there.**

**Hey everybody, sorry I took so long getting this published. It was Spring Break down here in sunny Florida, and as a graduation present my wonderful mother took my on a week long trip to _Ireland!_ It was sooooo amazing, I got to go hunting with a Hawk! ^^**

**Either way, I got right back to work on this when I got back home, and kept it to myself for a few days after for editing purposes. I hope you guys enjoyed it, it nearly killed me, I was laughing too hard! XD**

**(P.S. If anyone would consider beta-ing future chapters for this story, I'd really appreciate it. I really glazed over this chapter, so if you can spot any errors, or maybe even drop a few critiques, I'd be super duper grateful. ^^)**

**(P.P.S. Also, if anyone can spot some potential fish puns, that'd be great as well. I'm so terrible at coming up with them. Damnable fishy prince, making bend over backwards for you...) *grumble* *grumble***

**~DM-sama**


	3. Let the Hostin' Begin!

**The Homestuck fandom has been really quiet these past few months. Makes it hard to get those vibes going again. I've been pretty much hiding out in the Hetalian base meantime. Dude, you don't know what a ship tastes like till you've tasted RussiaXAmerica. It's…delicious. owo**

**But Lord Hussie has reemerged from his shell, and so have I! Here to instill Host Glub feels once more! Miss me? ;D**

**~*O*~**

"C'mon, Vantas, you have to be done changin' by now."

"Yeah, Karkles, open up."

"Come on, Karkitty, we're waiting for mew!"

I fiddled with the embellished gray tie one last time, figuring I had stalled long enough. I yanked the curtain aside, glaring at the floor. Silence met my reentrance; heat rose under my brand new, expensive collar.

"I still don't see the fucking point of this," I grumbled, pining for the protective barrier of my glasses. Everything looked different underneath my contacts; sharper, somehow. Brighter. "Really, I'm not a doll for you to fucking dress up…"

"Are you kiddin' me? Vantas, you…you look…"

Nepeta shrieked with joy. "Karkitty, _you look incredible_!"

The entire room voiced their agreement ("If we had known you looked like that under those awful glasses, Vantas," said Dirk, followed by Dave, "we'd helped you out a lot sooner.") and they backed me in to the wall, swarming around me, angling for a better view ("Who knows?" murmured Kanaya. "Maybe he can draw in some customers?").

I threw my hands up in front of my chest, my voice panicky and high pitched. "Whoa, whoa, w—wait a minute, you guys, I—"

Eridan, who was the closet to me, grasped my face in his hands, silencing me. A secret smile curved his lips. "Y'know, Kan, that's just what I was thinkin'."

_Bullcrap it was_, I sneered, struggling in his vice-like grip.

Eridan sailed over my bafflement. "That's right, you heard me! You, my friend, have shown all the indicators a becomin' a full time host!"

I finally shook off his steel grip and stumbled further into the room. The high bloods stood attentively; I wondered when one of them would deliver the punch line of this sure to be joke.

"Me? A…a host?" I cleared my throat. "T-That's… I—I don't think my…I have to study—the exchange program won't let my GPA slip past a—"

"The Host Club operates during school for only a few hours," Kanaya interrupted. "Before and after, that time is yours. It's certainly less demanding than being our guppy fish; you would've been expected to be an our beck and call 34/7."

Beset with the image of Dad answering the phone at three in the morning because Eridan couldn't find his pants, I shook my head in exasperation. "This is fucking insane."

"So it's settled!" Eridan clapped his hands, voice ringing with absolution. "Startin' today, Vantas, you are an official member of the Host Glub!" The delight in his voice was so palpable it was more or less a separate entity. "I will personally take you on as my protégé. If you can manage to rustle up 100 customers, we'll completely forget about your eight million boonbond debt to us."

My ears perked in interest. Eridan's grinned widened, aware of the affect his words were having. _No more debt, huh?_

Every eye trained to me, the anticipation thick in the air. I swallowed.

"Only 100 customers?"

_There were at least five hundred girls today._

Eridan nodded.

"And you'll completely forget my debt?" _Because if you don't…_

Kanaya smiled.

A moment passed, and I fiddled with the cuffs of my suit._ It's only been a day, and they've already given me a brand new uniform. For free! And it's temporary, after all…_

Decision made, I bit my lip and nodded.

"Okay. I'm in."

**~*O*~**

_Karkat is also now open for business!_

**~*O*~**

"So, Karkat, what do you do in your spare time? Do you have any hobbies?"

"Tell me, what kind of products do you use for your hair?"

"Yes! It looks so soft and clean!"

_I am so out._

The three trolls surrounding my table smiled in a friendly and open way, oblivious to my spastic smile and twitching face muscles. My mind drew a complete blank. Those assholes made this look so easy!

_What the fuck am I supposed to say?!_

"So why did you join the Host Club, Karkat?"

"Uhh…"

The trolls giggled with delight and enthusiasm, leaning in closer so as to better hear my story. A nervous, sinking feeling formed in the pit of my stomach as I tried to not blurt out something stupid and asinine (an accomplishment on my part).

_All I have to do is draw in 100 customers, and the debt is repaid in full. Stop making this so difficult for yourself, you fuck weasel!_

An idea hit me. As if splash of ice water ran down my neck, I straightened up, my thoughts clear and determined.

_I know just the story._

Across the room, Eridan Ampora peeked over the edge of the couch, trying to get a better view of his latest addition to the Club. Like a loyal knight, he awaited the chance to go and rescue his little guppy fish. The poor bastard looked miserable, obviously not used to being the center of attention.

_Don't worry, Karkitty. Daddy's here for ya._

Eridan smirked.

An expression of icy shock crossed over Vantas' face, though it quickly faded into one of steely determination, then of pained resignation. Before Eridan could question the strange occurrence, Karkat had launched into his life story.

Eridan's jaw went slack.

"I see."

The three trolls' faces were solemn, even regretful, as they regarded the somber gaze of their Host. Karkat had retreated into silence, expression distant and sad.

"Your mother was a legislacerator for His Tyranny," the other troll continued when Karkat couldn't, "before a riot broke out during court ten years ago and she was killed."

"I remember those riots," whimpered the indigo blood, her eyes watery. "I was just a teensy grub at the time, but I remember. Oh, how can people be so savage…?"

"You must've been so young. Who did the cooking and cleaning?"

"Oh, um, I did them myself," said Karkat. "Mom was a wild cook, and she would let me help out in the kitchen sometimes. It was a lot of fun, especially when the recipes turned out all right." Karkat's eyes grew distant again, lost in memories. "It wasn't an easy childhood. Life in the city was hard, and Dad could never land a job because of his status, so we often didn't have money for food. But, somehow…"

At this, Karkat smiled, unaware of the spell bounded expressions casted his way. "I dunno, I guess I turned out okay."

Though the trolls appeared somber and remorseful, each of the girls were squealing inside, wanting to reach out and groom the troll as if he were stray puppy. "Um, Karkat? If it's alright with you…could you perhaps sit with us tomorrow?"

"Oh, yes!"

"You've been so kind, Karkat, we'd love to sit with you!"

Karkat's eyes widened. "I-I would really appreciate that, ladies!" he stuttered, flabbergasted; but as the girls chattered excitedly amongst themselves, a tiny, devilish smirk flickered across his features.

_Hook, line, motherfucking sinker._

Eridan was, for lack of a better term, dumbfounded.

"That little minx," he murmured, still processing the episode in his mind. "How is he so popular?"

Kanaya, having also watched the entire exchange, retorted sagely, "Why, he's a natural."

"No training needed," the Strider twins added from their spot near the couch. Karkat continued chatting with his customers, completely at ease and unaware of the many eyes trained to him. _No trainin' needed,_ Eridan mulled. So much for rescuing his little kitty-cat like the knight in shining armor he was. His lower lip jutted at the thought.

"Eridan, have you forgotten about me already?"

Eridan straightened up, forcing thoughts of the recruit out of his mind. "Oh no, Ath, don't be so cruel. I was just concerned about our newest Host, is all."

The girl was smiling, but she looked far from happy, a notion that struck him as odd. "Well, that much is obvious, Eridan." She glanced at him through the lashes of her eyes. "You sure have been keeping a close eye on him, though."

"Of course, I have to, Ath," he replied, oblivious to the suspicious glint in her purple eyes. "I'm trainin' him to be a gentleman, like me." A brilliant idea struck him, and Eridan snapped his fingers, garnering attention of the boy in question. "Karkat, come here for a minute," he stated, beckoning the troll forth.

Confusion palpable, I bid my customers farewell and sauntered over to the couch, wondering what the sea dweller wanted from me this time. "You rang?"

Eridan smiled, his hands folded in his lap. "Karkat, I'd like to you meet someone." He held his hand out to the purple blooded troll that sat next to him. "This is my regular guest, Empress Athina Rossetti Blaine. She's a good friend of mine." My eyes widened in surprise, recognizing the cold stare of the girl from earlier. Eridan was unaware to the tension, waiting to see how Karkat would react to the introduction of such an esteemed customer.

_Keep your head on, Vantas. She's just another customer. Just smile and nod._

Incling my head somewhat, I smiled politely and said, "It's a pleasure to meet you, Madam."

Eridan went still, his eyes calculating and cold. Before I could react, I found myself buried in the sea dweller's purple vest. "That was so cute!" Eridan squealed in my ear, joyfulness radiating off his person. My screams were muffled in his uniform as I tried breaking away from the maniac. "Your bashfulness was so good. Super good! AMAZINGLY GOOD!"

"E-Eridan…?" murmured Athina, quite perturbed by the display of affection.

Finally breaking away, I sucked in a deep gulp of air, my face having turned a dull shade of blue. The insane sea dweller still had a steel grip around my waist, however, shouting in my ear_ ("YOU'RE SO CUTE!"_). Out of options, my eyes scanned the room before landing on the muscle-beast obsessed idiot with broken glasses. I had no choice.

"_EQUIUS_!" I screamed, kicking and thrashing in the grip of the sea dweller. I was aware of his hot breath on my neck, and a furious blush bloomed on my face. "_EQUIUS, GET THIS VIOLET PSYCHOPATH OFF OF ME!_"

Equius was still, and for one horrible moment I thought I'd been left for dead, but without warning, a severe look crossed the blue-blood's face. A moment later, I had been ripped away from Eridan's grasped and held high off the ground, Equius' large hands fastened under my armpits.

The room went quiet, shock rippling over every face.

The fourth light bulb had come to life

The blush crept up my neck and around my ears as Equius scrutinized me. Underneath his broken glasses I could see his blue eyes flickering between my uniform and my face. A decision reached, he relaxed, though his grip was as firm as ever, much to Eridan's distress.

"Now, E—Equius, be gentle, you don't want to break our recruit in half," he murmured, color returning to his face.

I gazed imploringly at Equius, begging him to not put me down.

"Come on my little paw," Eridan cooed, holding his hands out eagerly, "let daddy give you a big hug!"

"I've already got a crazy fuck nugget for a dad, I don't need another one."

Eridan's face softened as he tried to pry the engaged troll from his overzealous colleague's grasp, unaware of the chilling expression adoring the regal face of Athina Blaine. Even les swas he aware of the malicious gaze she sent the commoner, her mouth twisting with ill-concealed spite.

_This won't_ _do._

_This won't do at all._

**~*O*~**

The afternoon bell chimed, signaling the end of the school day. A few of the students whooped unenthusiastically as they collected their bags, all but ignoring the teacher as he droned all of the homework assignments one last time. I was the only one who remained seated, scribbling sloppy reminders on my hand with a black sharpie marker.

_Need to hit the supermarket later, we're all out of milk. If I take the bus, I can save time, but if it gets caught in traffic again…It'll be safer to walk, but I still won't get home till six at the earliest, and I won't have time do to the Alternian Research Assignment._ I angrily scrubbed the note off my palm. _Better start that tomorrow, the Algebra and History papers can't wait. Gonna be another long night, but can't stay up too late because there's that Cherub Psychology test tomorrow morning and FUCK I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THAT—_

A light smack on my shoulder awoke me from my anxiety-ridden doze.

"Dude, you alright?"

"You look like you're going to have a heart attack."

Dirk and Dave Strider were gazing down at me with identical expressions of mirth and mild concern, their bags slung carelessly over their shoulders. I shook myself, trying to discreetly hide my vandalized hand.

"It's none of your fucking business," I mumbled, though it lacked heart. The twins seemed to notice this, as Dirk (I was almost sure it was Dirk) clapped a firm hand on my shoulder.

"Well, you take it easy, alright?"

"Yeah," Dave (yes, that was most definitely Dave) remarked, "don't push yourself so hard."

"See you later, candy corn."

I refrained from comment as the twins collected themselves and headed out the door, leaving me alone with my thoughts. A few moments of silence passed as I struggled with my vague feelings. Sighing, suddenly feeling old, I rose from my chair and groped around for my backpack, surprised to find nothing but air.

My bag was gone.

Panic struck me, and searched the expanse of the room, looking under every desk and chair. That bag carried my wallet and all of my textbooks and homework assignments; if I lost it now or if it had been stolen, I would be so unbelievably screwed._  
_

_Just my fucking luck,_ I snarled, overturning one of the desk drawers.

Something caught my eye. Wondering if my luck could possibly be any more rotten, I wandered over to the gaping window, my eyes landing on the decorative fountain that rested in the courtyard. Truly a magnificent piece of art, but what caught my interest were the contents floating in the pond.

I must've left the stupid thing back in the fucking music room and must not've realize it. After all, it would be too easy for someone to pick it up and toss it out the window, as if it was rubbish. The thought bothered me more than it should have, and as I ran out of the empty classroom and rushed down the hallway, a definite frown creased my forehead.

"Oh. It's _you."_

So lost in my thoughts, I was unaware when I ran past the too still figure of Athina Blaine, her face shrouded in afternoon shadows. How something as simple as words could be filled with such malice was beyond me, and I found myself halting in my tracks, frozen to the spot. The girl smiled coldly, not once looking my way.

"You must really enjoy Eridan fawning over you like that," she continued, her eyes trained to the window, "but you must know how stupid you look to the rest of us. After all," and her smile grew ugly "you'll always just be the scum of the hemospectrum. Never forget that."

And then she just walked away, soon disappearing behind a corner, her footsteps fading in the distance. My thoughts went reeling, processing her words. A beat passed, before I continued down the long hallway, ignoring the way my body trembled.

A half an hour later, I found myself ankle-deep in the reflection pond, sweat dripping down my forehead as I struggled to locate my missing wallet. The other rescued contents lay sprawled to the side of the pool, alongside my shoes and shocks, air-drying and exposed for all to see.

_You must really enjoy Eridan fawning over you…_

_—scum of the hemospectrum._

_Never forget that._

Perhaps it was wishful thinking. Kanaya had said the gray uniform helped the customers "forget where exactly I stood amongst them." But apparently some people haven't forgotten.

And neither will I, for that matter.

_These bucketspewers will never change._

I forced the thoughts out of my mind, focusing on recovering my wallet. If I didn't find it, Dad and I would be completely without food for the rest of the week. Expression grim, I redoubled my efforts, arms achy and weak, legs trembling.

"Hey, lowblood."

At the sound of the voice, I straightened up in shock, almost falling back over in to the pond. Eridan stood at the edge of the pool, his mouth taunt. Damn bastard snuck up on me! "You realize that swimmin' in the fountain is against protocol, right?"

I tried to scrounge up some excuse for my compromising position. Too late, Eridan noticed my soaked bag, his violet eyes widening. "Your bag…why is it all wet?"

"L—look, don't worry about it. I've got it, alright?" I snapped defensively, returning to the rippling pond. "I'm just going to fucking starve if I don't find my fucking wallet is all…"

Silence.

Figuring the sea dwelling rat had scurried off and left me be, the sound of rustling clothe, then the gentle splash of water took me by surprise. Taken aback, I looked up in time to see Eridan stepping into the pond with, his pants and sleeves rolled up to keep them dry. His cape had been discarded on the ground next to my bag.

"H—hey, you don't have to do that," I said, voice quavering with shock as he began searching the shallow depths of the pond.

"Don't be ridiculous." He had removed his glasses and tucked them into his breast pocket, his violet eyes sharp. "A little water never hurt anybody right? Besides," he moved through some of the algae and lily pads, his expression alert, "people are always sayin' I'm drippin' with good looks."

He smirked at his own little joke, completely unaware as I stood there, staring at him like some slack-jawed fool. The sea dweller made a sound in the back of his throat ("Aha"), and straightened up, my drenched wallet in his hand. "Is this what you were lookin' for?" he offered, winking ever so slightly.

_—won't forget where I stood among the others—_

_—scum of the hemospectrum—_

"What's the matter? You're starin' off into space. Hey," a goofy smirk crossed Eridan's face and he waggled the wallet under my nose, "you're not fallin' for me are you?"

"D—don't be ridiculous!" I spat, snatching the wallet out of his palm. Eridan chuckled, before growing quiet again, his brow creased.

"Why was your bag in the pond, though?"

"Um…"

The fishy prince wouldn't like hearing that his girlfriend was a crazy psycho bitch, so I kept mum on the subject. "I wanted to see how far I could toss it out the window. The rose bushes were my target, though." Eridan's eyes narrowed further. He looked so different without his glasses and that stupid cape. Smaller, somehow. "What do you think, fish breath? It's none of your damned business!"

Rather than become offended, or even angry, he laughed again. "You're quite the character, Vantas. Don't change for anythin', alright? Life would get boring without you."

Shocked into silence, heat crept under my collar as Eridan moved closer, nimble fingers reaching for my tie. "Jeez, Vantas. Haven't you ever tied a tie before? You looked like you tried to strangle it…"

Jaw flapping uselessly, I coughed when he glanced up from his work. "Umm, n-no, not really. Dad always dressed me like a fucking girl when I was a kid, sooo…"

Much to my embarassment, Eridan chuckled. "I'd really like to meet your dad. He sounds like a great man."

"He's a fucking idiot, is what he is."

Eridan was silent to my retort as he redid the tie, fastening it around my neck. "There we go. Picture perfect." He smoothed down the vest of my uniform. The heat crept further up my neck. "Gray is a good color on you, you know? Adds a bit of mystique." He grasped my chin and tilted my head up, his lips pursed. "Not too crazy about the contacts, though…"

For one crazy, stupid, brainless, completely _fucking_ asinine moment, I thought he would lean in closer, he was so fucking close already, before he suddenly smoothed down my hair and laughed. "Look at us, splashin' in the pool like a couple of misbehavin' grubs. Pretty shoddy of two esteemed classmen, eh?"

In a sudden bout of claustrophobia, I took a mighty step back, clearing my throat.

"Y-yeah…"

We stepped out of the pond, both of us collecting our belongings, Eridan's cape tucked under his arm and glasses resting on the bridge of his nose. "I'll show you how to properly don a tie, sometime. It's one of the first things you have to know if you want to be a gentleman."

"Right…"

Under the pretense of tying my shoelaces, I remained seated at the edge of the fountain, watching as Eridan grew smaller and smaller down the pathway. The wallet was secured deep within my pocket, wet bag slung over my shoulder. Only when I was positive the sea dweller was out of sight, I rose from my seat and walked in the other direction.

_—how stupid you look—_

_Life would get boring without you._

_—scum of the hemospectrum._

_Don't ever change._

I snorted, unable to deny the stubborn smile that curved of my mouth.

"_Fucking idiot..._"

**~*O*~**

**EDITED****—**THE _FUCK**—**_OUT OF THIS CHAPTER! D:

******—**

***Athina Blaine is an original character I invented a while back. Not sure where I got the Rossetti, though; guess it just felt like it needed more syllables. Originally I had this mega story planned for her and two other of my friends' characters. When I was fishing up cast members for _Host Glub_, my friend recommended I use her, since dearest 'Ath' was kind of a cold-blooded bitch, and because she was going to be Eridan's initial love interest in saidticular story.**

**Oh yeah, I went there.**

**—**

**Welp, there's my two cents of the day. Have I imbued any of you with the delightful feels of EriKar yet? No? …maybe I'm trying too hard.**

**Either way, I'm really proud of this chapter! I think it's the best one thus far! It's my favorite, at least. Redglare as Karkitty's Mom, can you imagine? And we all know who would play the part of Haruhi's transvestite of a dad~ *gigglegigglesnickersnort***

**I envision one more chapter left for this tale, plenty of more room to disappoint you guys! See you then, and may Lord Hussie be with you! ;D**

**~DM-sama**


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